This weekend was so challenging for me because my biggest fight in life is my own needs versus my family's. Their crazy becoming my crazy and so forth. I have fought it my whole life but honestly it's been a losing battle because I don't think I ever meant my "no". In the session, when you said "whatever you're doing they're not buying it" I had no conviction. No strength. No follow through. No action. I just whined. And on that Friday, I could either stay and whine and wait for my dad to come home and "fix it" or I could just grow a pair and walk out. With their hands reaching for me and doubt in my heart I just left. And then I left again on a flight. This is my biggest fight. I think. The one that will define me. Their and pain and the pity I feel for them vs my own needs, pain and life. That's the one thing I have never done. Feel for them but not bend. Because when I see my mother in the wheelchair, my sister...in her crazy state...my overworked father, my heart hurts and bleeds. And then I'm so caught up in that that I can't see my own future, my need to detangle myself from that. That it is OK to not be tangled in that. Their crazy doesn't have to be MY crazy. Even if my mother would love it if I were a fixer like my dad. "fix your sister. save her. find her. help her." save save save save....fix help save fix help bleed save love hurt bleed hit out need bleed out away save hit hurt away save hurt. This hurricane will never end. I just have to do something that it really really really going to hurt me at first and that is not want to save. And concentrate that I have a life worth saving too. If they go down, I don't go with them. This right here is something I have never ever wanted to see. And it hurts and terrifies me to even think it. That I am still WORTH it even if they can't be saved. It is still ok to be happy even if they aren't. Why does that feel like bile in my mouth?