Why am I alone and why does being alone cause me pain? Is there anything that will enlighten me about this path of aloneness?
It reminds me of my childhood, quiet, in my own imagination and alone. My parents couldn't sustain me...their demons were bigger. And I was always left to my own devices. Play make believe. Read a book. Watch tv. Daydream. Friends were there but in the periphery. They added sometimes to my life but never fulfilled it. So i guess I like being alone sometimes, but not lonely. Lonely is when you want someone to share something with, a joke, a movie, a stroll, the breeze, music...and there is nothing beside you but you. I am naturally introverted so I need to be myself at time to recharge but not having anyone sometimes to have a cup of coffee or meal with is hurtful. That was the need that J filled a lot when she was here.
I am the only person though in my family that is fine being alone for extended periods of time. I didn't used to be before meds though. They helped calm my mind a lot so I could breathe quietly. But still I am the only one who can sustain myself. There is some enlightenment in that..that I want something deeper..darker..brighter...something they don't even exists or looks like.

Taking responsibility for the thinking and choices about how you feel about yourself that keeps me stuck and in a victim....
I realized that yesterday when I visited a friend who's been going through a really really tough time. I sat there listening to it as she went on and on about a situation that has been going on for years. And I felt sympathetic yes but I so wanted her to say "I did this. I created this." She played victim and martyr when the truth was in her face for so long. And she got defensive when I brought it up. Just like I do when the truth about my numbness and taking responsibility for my actions is in my face. I am like my mother, end of. I make money yes and live on my own means, something that will always separate me from my mother, but inherently, emotionally, I am like her. Waiting for the other, the outside to change the inside.

I have even gone numb to my pain...it was more apparent when I was working. Because the dead end job felt like my soul was oozing out of my pores...leaking my essence on the floor. But I was making money. But when I am home, in comfort, I have all kinds of numbing agents. TV, books, reading online, news, stores, etc etc...all designed to take me out versus in. The fear wins there and the scariest part I don't even see it happening because I am numb while it takes over quietly...insidiously..