I didn't feel like writing for a few days...it went to "I have to write. Not right now. In an hour. Ok, tomorrow morning and then one day became two and then three. I had an interview on Wednesday and I think that day threw me off track or I let it throw me off track. It was for a part-time freelance role that pays me not a lot of money and for 5 months. I have had no other offers. And I think I collapsed around that. And then my process suffered. I have to say yes to the role but I don't want to. I want to go up in my career not down and so something more in keeping with my interests. In any case, it got me here. Off track, collapsed and regressing. So this is me getting back up, trying to claw my way back on track. I feel anger and fear and sadness. And tomorrow I celebrate my birthday and it's another year where I'm sitting at dinner wondering what my career is floundering and where will I be in a 3-4 months? I hate that feeling. It makes me angry and scared. And want to hit something.
I want more. I don't know what that more is. But I want it.
There's this big hole in my chest, I feel the no and I feel the want. The no says nothing great is going to happen career or love wise. The want is begging. And all of this gives my power away, gives me away.  I wait for the recruiters, email more recruiters, wait for them some more, etc. I don't know how to step off this hamster cycle. And it made me go into a numb cave for 2-3 days. My heart hurts.