Today I am scared of everything. I sit, and sit and sit and my grief and anger is wrapped like vines around the fear that is every present. Fear around the fact that I haven't worked in weeks, that I don't really have any major leads on any new jobs and that I am living off savings. Then there is the judgement of what my days home consist of. Waking up, making a meal, TV comes on, I read/email/putter around for a bit then go work out, then make dinner, do more TV/reading/emails and then go to bed. Ever so often I'll go out for drinks/meal with a friend or out to window shop or look for ideas to organize my room. And of course my routine of coming in and journaling. This has been my schedule for the last 2 weeks. I'm scared it's not going to change. I'm scared of what's going to come next. I'm scared that I miss hearing the sound of a guy's voice on the phone--that one makes me very sad, actually. I hurt in my chest about that one. The other day I thought I saw Sam while I was out and I swear I felt like my heart skipped a beat. All that fear and emotion wrapped around someone who doesn't even mean anything anymore. I had a dream last night that I was in Coral Springs and I saw John from a distance. And because of this, the grief that I'm working on to feel--except for the not hearing a guys' voice part-- doesn't really come up or I can't tap into it.

It's my birthday in 3 days and I am struggling to not collapse in that. I don't really feel like celebrating it, but I am next weekend with a handful of friends. I just hurt...and I feel like my world is very small and getting smaller.  it's the same routine now for the last three years. Get laid of first week of jan, do nothing for a few weeks, have a birthday where I smile for a day and act like I'm not scared of the future. I am terrified that it is happening again this year. It hurts.