I watched this show, Jessica Jones, who is a female superhero who got kidnapped essentially by a mind-controller who could make anyone do anything, making whatever he said a compulsion they had to follow, to their own deaths if need be because. he. said. so. Grind their own hand into a blender, sleep with him, jump off a building, turn on someone,  stop blinking for an hour, just because he asked. And the kicker? The mind believing that it was it of its own choosing to do so. Even though there is a second piece screaming no, no, no, no, no, it doesn't matter. The compulsion is too great, the need to great, the idea of not doing it not even possible. To stop and say no, not eve an option. The mind believing it the whole time but unable to resist.
So he took this woman with superhero capabilities and turned her against herself. She had superhero physical strength, could leap from buildings, etc. And turned her into this mannequin essentially who did his bidding. Dressed her up the way he wanted, made her talk, smile, laugh, sit, stand, eat the way he wanted. Fuck the way he wanted.
And after the spell is over, if you're not dead, you don't know how you got where you were, why you were there and what the consequences were. And no one believes that you didn't want to, that you would never have been capable of that, it was another person who looked, talked, walked like you but it wasn't you. No one sees the truth. Because how could they? The whole thing was taking place in your mind, your body. And you were standing over your own hand dismembered, or someone else's face slashed and what truth could hold against that?
So this superhero now, after the spell is broken, is forever running. She drinks all day, locks herself in a hole of an apartment and is bitter, angry and yet so so vulnerable. Her strengths 'failed' her and she was broken.  Forever running from this man with so much power over her.

Many of my friends did not like the series, saying it wasn't done well, executed well, but I couldn't stop defending it. And it hurt every time someone said it wasn't "great" or whatever. I kept thinking "but it's not about the execution. It's about something that no one ever talks about and that's more important." I would almost get angry, feel like my skin was raw. The idea of this entire series hit too close to home, and I didn't realize that until yesterday when I saw my hand googling my cousin when I knew it would bring hurt and I couldn't stop, wanted the pain even because I was trained to do as it wanted. To bring more pain. To slash myself down. And I could only watch. My brain screaming no, My hand not listening.

The separation of myself. The not being in my body. The way she lives, the way I live. The strengths no longer seen as strengths. My mother's voice acting as a voice of god.
How could I not feel akin to this Jessica Jones?